Millennial pop icon pledges to save Ukraine

The latest celebrity to voice support for Ukraine is America’s former sweetheart, current cool uncle who we only see once a year, Justin Timberlake. JT held a press conference to announce his enlistment.

“I feel it is my duty to protect the land of my music. As of tomorrow, I am going to be traveling to Ukraine to defend the Crimea River,” said Timberlake.

His wife, Jessica Biel, chose not to comment. Timberlake’s agent, Sgt. Luther T. Justice was seen giddy with delight, biting his lower lip and rocking back and forth on his heels. When asked to comment he had many interesting things to say. 

“You know, this was my idea. I thought this young buck would be great out there, killing commies and wastoid Euro-trash. This a war for freedom, the good freedom. European freedom. I asked ol’ JT if he would ever be interested in going to war and he told me he doesn’t know how guns work, ha! He also said he can’t point out Russia or Ukraine on a map. Thanks Mickey Mouse Club. Anyways, I finally convinced the kid and we’re shipping him out first thing tomorrow morning!” said Justice.

Towards the end of the press conference, Timberlake addressed his fellow celebrities with a simple call to action.

“And let me ask you this, Hollywood. What are you doing for your fellow man? This isn’t Iraq, you can’t just tweet about peace and love. This is a real problem that we really need to solve. And I’m going to do it, unlike you all,” Timberlake said.

Upon ending his speech, Timberlake tripped on the podium and bumped his toe on the edge. He immediately began crying and tried to push the podium to the ground but was unable to move it. It had wheels.