Over the recent thousand years, humankind has advanced to the point of having all of the world’s information in our hands but instead of using that knowledge to further advance society, the phone has become a placehold for rip off Candy Crush games that are collectively played by Facebook moms who think minion memes are funny.

Now you’re probably reading this wondering what this has to do with a chicken nugget, but let me tell you this: I’m pretty sure chicken nuggets don’t get upset when they have to wear a mask so that they don’t die. This brings the question“How smart are chicken nuggets?” Well research from the science school of  Harvard university show that a chicken nugget knows more than the average person. 

The scientists were able to also prove that a chicken nugget is much more loyal than an average person. When asked to fall down the chicken nugget immediately complied with no hesitation while the human subject refused the task, while stating, “I’m not going to fall down and get hurt why would I do that?” When the subject was told that the chicken nugget had a better compliance rate,  the subject they responded with “It’s a chicken nugget of course it’s going to comply!” Later he also stated, “This test is stupid! I thought I was going to eat the chicken nugget not to prove it’s smarter than me!” Appalled that the subject would say such a thing, the subject in question was arrested for conspiracy of endangering another being.

During the research for whether or not a chicken nugget is worth more than a person, news broke out about the research and now radical groups have joined together to stop the research so that it doesn’t become proof that a chicken nugget is smarter than them. But at the same time peaceful groups that support the research have formed, calling themselves I.C.U.P. which stands for Intelligence for Chicken nuggets Under Protection. These people have been going around protesting for the chicken nugget which they have canonically named Lamar the nugget to become an official citizen of the United States and prove that he is smarter than most humans.

After the research was completed it was proven that Lamar the nugget was smarter than 25% of the human population. With this news being spread like a wildfire throughout the world, Lamar was on his way to become an official citizen of the United States with a ceremony held at the Lincoln memorial located in Washington DC. Finally after all those years of hardships Lamar the nugget would finally become a true American citizen. 

But it wasn’t all happiness until Lamar the nugget was brutally assassinated by a mysterious black crow during the ceremony. Lamar’s top half of his nugget body was ripped apart as the crowd shocked in horror started to panic. The government has stated that they will not stop searching for the perpetrator who caused the death of Lamar the nugget and when they do find the killer they will bring them to justice.

Lamar’s funeral will be held in his home city of the KFC right next to the Dunkin’ Donuts. There, the funeral will be attended by Lamar’s family including his wife nugget and his two little chicken tender kids. President Joe Biden and former president Barack Obama will also be attending the funeral as well as hologram Colonel Sanders who came back from the dead due to technology to say goodbye to his friend. Reporters tried to get Lamar’s old friend, ex gang member Ronald McDonald to attend, but no word about his attendance has been said.

With Lamar’s passing, most of the world was grieving for the loss of a hero that just wanted rights for chicken nuggets. Hopefully now chicken nuggets will be accepted into humanity as another person like everyone else.

Though this brings back to the age old question whether or not a chicken nugget is worth more than a person and all I have to say is yes. Because I can buy a chicken nugget and not a human. In other news, the same scientists have started another research on how to cure the recent “Karen Virus” that is plague which is affecting the entire world, which you can find more about in the article “Scientists find a way to turn Karen into a decent human.” R.I.P Lamar the nugget 2021-2021 may you forever fly high.

APRIL FOOL’S! This is one of our joke articles for our April Fool’s issue: The Distress Signal. Thanks for reading and happy joking!