No. This is not happening. I am not on this island right now. He did not break my heart into a million pieces. I am not stuck. I breathed trying to suppress every single emotion I was feeling. He just looked at me with those stupid eyes. Those eyes that I wasn’t smart enough to look away from all those years ago. Those eyes were so blue, not even the sky compared. I closed my own eyes because I couldn’t look at him. I was terrified that his idiotic eyes would make me forgive him. I took another breath but this one was shakier than the first.

“Are you ok?” Anthony asked. Anthony used to be the name of the love of my life. It used to be the name of my new husband who I was grateful for. Now Anthony was the name of my cheating spouse. The name of someone who cheated on me on our honeymoon where I was already giving my all to him. But somehow my all wasn’t enough. My fists clenched and I slowly opened my eyes, still terrified.

“Anthony, I am fantastic. I am so happy that we are stuck here together. Can’t you tell how happy I am? That my husband cheated on me on our honeymoon. And now I don’t even have the grace of going away from him. So yes, I am more than ok. I am great” I said. I knew I said too much but my blood was boiling. Every ounce of my being was screaming to run away from him, to punch him, and to forgive him. The last suggestion of forgiveness my being gave I scoffed out loud at. Anthony just kept looking at me. He looked at me like I was another case he had to solve. Doesn’t he spend enough time-solving cases for his police work? Why does he feel like he needs to solve me too? I am upset and want a divorce. There Anthony, case solved.

“Miss, we are going to need you and your husband to follow us,” a crew member explained. I almost forgot we were deserted which was the cherry on top of this whole situation. My mouth was dry but I wasn’t thirsty. All I heard was crashing waves and smelled salt all around me. The island was beautiful, and even in my moment of distress I noticed that. But none of these things matter to me. Since my brain was processing everything with Anthony wasn’t as focused on the fact we might die. It is so strange how my brain worked. At least I wasn’t freaking out about being deserted. I have watched a million survival shows and staying calm always helped. 

“Do we have any updates?” I asked the awkward crew member. Just a day ago he was the one who signed Anthony and me into the cruise. A day ago Anthony and I were all over each other and I thought we were both in love. Today I caught him cheating on me with his mistress that Anthony now has had for months. Yesterday was a different life. 

“Uhh…the captain is just getting all the rafts to make sure they can hold us. And uhh..seeing exactly where we are.” the crew member explained. I just nodded and walked to the rest of the people stuck to wait for further instructions. Anthony walked close behind me, not giving me any space. Then I saw her again. Ella, who was my husband’s mistress. I haven’t talked to her but all I know from what I saw and what he showed me is that the two of them were very much together. 

Ella walked up to me. And I couldn’t help but be envious. I won’t lie, she is beautiful. Ella had hypnotic green eyes with gorgeous hair and an hourglass figure. She looked like a supermodel and Ella could be. 

  “We need to talk,” Ella said. Anthony stirred behind me but I nodded. He started to follow the two of us but Ella just stuck her hand out gesturing for him to stay. I followed her to a place that was far away from everyone else but not so far where it was dangerous. 

“I am sure you have lots of questions,” she started to say. 

“I don’t want to ask them. I just want to give you a chance to say your side of the story. And I have lied to enough so just be blunt with me” I said. Ella examined me for a moment. It felt like she was surprised I wasn’t screaming at her or something. But I honestly didn’t know her so I wanted to give Ella a chance. Ella just took a breath before she spoke.

“Ok here’s the deal. I met your husband four months ago and we hit it off. Anthony was super charming and I thought he cared about me. I had no idea you existed and if I knew he had a fiance I wouldn’t have done anything. I overheard him on the phone about this cruise and I thought it was a surprise for me. I hate surprises so I talked to him about it and Anthony said I should go with him. Anthony also lied saying this was a business trip and was only able to see me a little bit. Then you caught us. For the record, Anthony and I are over. He’s your husband so I understand if you chose to stay with him but I suggest that you don’t” Ella explained. 

The explanation was blunt and I was grateful for that. It made sense and it sounded like a legitimate answer. I took my third deep breath. I was growing to hate these pauses. These types of moments where I have needed to take a breath. I used the simple act of breathing to be my eye in the storm. And that’s what I hated more than anything, that I needed an eye in the storm. I am a police sergeant. Breaks aren’t me. When I see a storm I go into it head-on unafraid. Every time a problem has come into my life I face it no matter what.

“Thank you. And I am getting a divorce so don’t worry” I said. 

“Oh, I am not worried about you. I was there this morning when you were yelling at Anthony. I think you’re more than capable of being alright” Ella responded. Right this morning…let’s just say I was yelling and said some not-so-nice words. If my mother heard the things I said she would’ve been horrified. 

“RAFT ONE READY!” someone yelled. Ella and I walked towards everyone else and we stepped onto the raft. Anthony tried to get on and put my hand out pushing him away.

“Come on baby, we need to talk” Anthony pleaded. 

“Don’t you dare “baby” me. You’re staying here and waiting for the next raft. I’ll send the divorce papers.” I said. Anthony fights to get on again and the awkward crew member to my surprise kicked him off the raft. And just like that, we are off. Ella is on the other side of the raft giving me space which is nice. I feel the waves below us and everything feels ok. I just repeat the words It’ll be alright over and over again. Cause the truth is I love him and this hurts more than anything I have ever gone through. 

But of course, with my luck, nothing can be ok. I hear a pop and then another. Great. The raft starts sinking so I dive into the water and everyone else follows my lead. We all swim to get to the land. I am exhausted and pushing with everything I am. I feel every nerve in my body keeps on pushing me forward. 

I make it onto the land soaking wet. I keep panting, gasping for air, and my lungs fighting for breath. The breaths I was starting to resent now sounded like a dream. The taste and feel of salt were all over me. Anthony runs up to me immediately and grabs my hand to pull me up. 

“Harper! Please breathe. Just breathe ok.”Anthony said frantically. That was the first time he said my name since it happened. He has been sugar coating everything. When I was yelling he would call me “Princess,” “Love,” and “Baby,” just not my name. I looked at him and didn’t close my eyes this time. I still can read him and his eyes tell me he loves me. But I still wasn’t enough for him. I knew what I had to ask.

“Why did you do it?” I asked when I finally could breathe. Salt was stinging my throat.

“What?” Anthony said.

“Why did you cheat on me? I need to know” I responded. My throat felt another wave of the sting, but I wasn’t going to lie to him.

“Harper, you’re a sergeant. I’m just a detective. I am a lower-ranking officer than my wife. And at the time my future wife. I wanted to feel like a man. It’s not an excuse, it’s just the truth” he sighed. I looked at him and I knew that he wasn’t the man I fell in love with. The Anthony I fell for was confident and would’ve been open with me. My heart broke again.

“You should’ve told me. Now it’s too late and I can’t do this. I can’t make you feel like a man, it’s just something you’re not anymore.” I replied. He looked at me searching for forgiveness, for me to say nevermind it’s ok. But I couldn’t do that. It wasn’t ok and it’ll never be ok. It was time for me to be alone. It was time for me to heal from this. It was time for me to be single for the first time in a long time. I refuse to settle for someone where my all isn’t enough. I refuse to feel less than I am.

I am now stuck on an island with my soon-to-be ex-husband and his mistress. This is happening. Anthony broke my heart into a million pieces. But am I ready for this? Yes.