“Authentic, quality Italian food” is plastered across the Chi Chi’s Pizza website. I have never been so boldly lied to. 

I first dined at Chi Chi’s in December of 2022 with a group of friends. I was reassured by MULTIPLE of these friends that their food was “so good” and a family staple in their respective households. Either they lied or have the taste of an earthworm, because what I put in my digestive system that night was an abomination to the culinary world.

Chi Chi’s is the single worst restaurant I have been to in my entire life. They have a 65 anniversary celebration this year; how this happened, I don’t know, for their chain should have closed the second they opened. 

Now, I am in no way a picky eater. I was taught to eat what’s put on my plate without complaints. I don’t even mind suspicious “authentic” Italian food. Olive Garden pleases my taste buds a great deal, though I am aware their food is not truly considered authentic and is not the finest restaurant in town. Their food, at least, is edible. I have serious doubts whether Chi Chi’s can say the same. 

That horrible night I tried THREE different dishes, dishes that SHOULD be well prepared in a so-called “authentic” kitchen. The cheese ravioli had the texture of an aged kitchen sponge, the spaghetti with the flavor of pure tap water and the chicken drier than an old woman’s ashen knees. Not one single plate was even close to acceptable for such a well-known establishment. The fact that I had to pay for sheer punishment haunts and enrages me still to this day. 

Now, I heavily judged my friends for their supposed love for Satan’s cafeteria. However, their misguided taste did result in my own theory. These friends had been dining at Chi Chi’s with their families since childhood. The rancid restaurant holds a stable position in their memories and unfortunately holds a nostalgic charm in their hearts that have therefore brainwashed their minds to cloud their judgment with musty alfredo and questionable penne. They do not love Chi Chi’s for its cuisine, they love it for the place it holds in their youth and positive family memories.

My theory is further supported by my one other friend with actually decent taste, who wholeheartedly concurred with my opinion of the restaurant. She had also never had Chi Chi’s until that fateful night, having no positive memories attached to the establishment. Her thoughts on the food? Disgraceful. Disgusting. Unacceptable. 

Only those who have not been manipulated by nostalgia can see Chi Chi’s for what it truly is. Even the restaurant knows it’s misleading all these impressionable customers. Their menu is the most absurd and insulting thing I have ever read. To make up for a lack of actual quality ingredients, Chi Chi’s uses third-grade level adjectives to deceivingly describe their ingredients. Their shriveled olives are supposedly “sliced and succulent”, their rotten pineapple “refreshingly delight” and their out-of-date jalapeno peppers “fresh, temptingly hot” (straight from the Chi Chi’s online menu). 

Perhaps I wouldn’t be such a harsh critic if Chi Chi’s at least knew their place at the very bottom of family dining. They have the cold-blooded audacity to charge downright outrageous prices for their pig’s slop and do so with a straight face. An entree of chicken alfredo at the much beloved Olive Garden is served for $20.99. The same entree at hell’s dining room goes for $24.75. Never have I heard of such a ridiculous situation. How on earth could Chi Chi’s cost more than Olive Garden? Either the owners are utter psychopath sadists or the whole chain is an elaborate prank the government is playing on the people.

It is time we put an end to the crime that is Chi Chi’s restaurants. The cycle of corruption and injustice ends right here with us. We must save the future generations from the psychological manipulation of this so-called family restaurant. There is a hell on earth, and its name is Chi Chi’s. Let’s fight this evil. Let’s save our country. Let’s abolish Chi Chi’s.