Andrew Tate: Ruining lives since 1986

It shouldn’t be a surprise that many humans search for the meaning of life. It’s only natural to be curious. It’s part of what makes the human race so specious, what sets us apart from every other creature that roams our planet. Some believe that we’re here to give glory to a higher power. Others say there is no meaning and we’re all just here out of pure coincidence. And then, of course, there are those who believe that the purpose of life is simply to do whatever you want, whatever makes you happy, whatever makes you free. After all, what could be more desirable than freedom?

It’s a compelling argument. Too bad Andrew Tate’s entire existence completely ruins it.

On December 14, 1986, an abomination was born. His name was Andrew Tate. But, so as not to provide him with too much respect, I will refer to him as “Tater Tot.” I consider it to be rather fitting, as Tot reminds me of the kind of food you’d get at a cafeteria, fully knowing how low the quality probably is, yet is still somehow immeasurably disappointing.

Originally known for his career as a professional kickboxer, Tater Tot retired in 2016 to instead fulfill his dream of becoming an abusive misogynist. When asked how he obtained his massive sum of money, Tater Tot simply answers, “webcam.” You might be confused by this one-word answer; alas, Tot couldn’t manage to work past his own incompetence and provide an answer that was at least three syllables. What the Tater actually means is that he owns a webcam studio, where he pays women to show explicit content of themselves on his website. Of course, the Tot takes a large portion of the profit, sitting back and bragging about all the money that other people make for him.

It also probably won’t surprise you that Tater Tot doesn’t exactly treat these women very well. As it turns out, Tater is a massive misogynist who thinks women are property; specifically, his property. Tate believes that women exist to serve men and he doesn’t care about harming them physically or emotionally. He even moved to Romania because their laws about the treatment of women are much more lenient. There have been several allegations of Tater Tot sexually assaulting women, some of which resulted in his house being raided. Tot denies these allegations, but what he cannot deny is that there is video evidence of him stating he beat a woman. To this, Tater Tot instead claims that it was consensual, though the woman says otherwise. And, not satisfied with being physically abusive, Tater Tot also makes sure to mentally and verbally abuse his victims to dissuade them from leaving his business. Tater Tot throws parties for women who leave where he has his other employees insult them, all as a tactic to prevent anyone from escaping the clutches of his greasy hands. He even admits to this in a video, and rather proudly at that.

At this point, you’re probably thinking, “Wow, that Tater Tot guy seems so great! Isn’t hurting other people for personal gain such a great way to spend life? I wish I could be like that!” That was a lie, of course, but if you did happen to be that messed up, then you’re in luck. As it turns out, the Tot has several cash grab products designed to make you more like him. Like reading? The Tate Bible is sure to teach you all about the greatness of our lord and savior Tater Tot and how you should be more like him. If reading isn’t your thing, then maybe you should join Tater Tot’s discord server, Hustler’s University 2.0, for only $49.99, where you can listen to some guys who aren’t even him lecture you about how to be a man. But, what if you want to actually spend time with the Tot himself? No worries, because you can join the War Room. The official Tater Tot website Cobratate states that, “The War Room is a global network in which exemplars of individualism work to free the modern man from socially induced incarceration.” All the website really shows is a bunch of men wearing suits with their faces censored. Apparently, these “exemplars of individualism” weren’t able to free themselves in the same way that they claim to be able to free everyone else, or else they might have enough of a spine to show their actual faces.

There’s also the Tater Tot manga Tales of Wudan, in case you want to see what Tate looks like as an Asian man with hair. Truly, we have all been blessed by the existence of such a story.