WASHINGTON- President Biden, age 79, was knocked over by a small gust of wind last night, sources tell The Smoke Signal. He was immediately rushed to Walter Reed Hospital but sustained no serious injuries. 

“I’ve never met a healthier man in my life,” said Dr. Arthur Pain, who treated Biden last night. “Could’ve happened to anyone. Young, old, whatever, small gusts of wind are a public menace!” 

In a press briefing this morning, Biden announced sweeping legislation to fix the matter. 

“I am proposing legislation that would ban all small gusts of wind from this great nation. For any small gusts of wind listening, I want to be very clear: if you strike again, it will be your last mistake. We have to stay safe, America. Please, stay inside and try not to sneeze or turn on any ceiling fans.” Biden said. 

It is unlikely there will be any Republican support for the Safe Air Act, leaving the bill in the hands of Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema, who thus far are not convinced. 

“I don’t know, man,” said Manchin. “Mitch said he’d give me 20 bucks if I vote against it. It’s gonna be a tough choice.” 

At press time, the bill is still being hotly debated.