Tensions are running high in the Middle East as assorted wars rage on in Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria, and probably other countries too I guess. With all this confusion and terror taking hold, what does an average American think? 

“I just hope both sides have fun,” is the opinion of one man residing in Santa Clarita, California.

Richard DaFont is a senior manager at Bunz-N-Stuf, a bakery chain centered on various breads that was founded in the San Fernando Valley by best friends Adam Bunz and Adam Stuf. DaFont said he’s never met the founders as they died when he was four but he’s “sure they were great guys.” DaFont enjoys walks in the park with his dog, Chi Chi, and extreme dynamite fishing in Castaic lake. 

“I really don’t know what’s going on out in Vietnam but I wish the fighting would stop,” said DaFont. 

Upon being notified that Vietnam is not in the Middle East, DaFont scoffed and went back to whittling with what he refers to as his “toe knife.” The mysterious “toe knife” barely scratches the surface of the secrets this man holds. 

During our interviews with him, our crew stumbled upon a locked basement door in his home that was covered in signs warning us to “Stay out” and informing us “There is nothing illegal in this basement and there are not corpses I know it smells bad but that’s just mold I called a guy to get it fixed but you know how these guys are I have been waiting weeks and nothing so stop asking go away.” DaFont shows no signs of understanding punctuation or sentence structure. 

What is DaFont hiding? Will he be promoted to branch manager at Bunz-N-Stuf? And least importantly: What’s going on in the Middle East? Find out in the next issue of the Distress Signal.