D&D added to the Tokyo Olympics

Moose, the closest thing to a sportscaster that you'll ever get

In a bold move, the Tokyo Olympics have added a new category to their roster: Dungeons & Dragons.

How did this happen? Well, it started, as many good things do, with a man named Matthew Mercer. His Twitter campaign started at the beginning of quarantine jumpstarted the movement to institute D&D as a competitive event. The campaign’s large reach has been attributed in large part to the Dungeons and Dragons Renaissance, as historians have coined it, which swept across the world 2020-2021.

Celebrities everywhere have been spotted playing D&D in support of the movement—most recently, the Graham Norton Show televised a game in which Benedict Cumberbatch played a gnome.

“I liked it before it was cool,” said Vin Diesel at an international Dungeons & Dragons conference.

A few months after the campaign began, Tokyo conceded.

If you’re wondering how a cooperative D&D game can be competitive, you’re not he only one. Most advocates suggested a battle royale using custom D&D builds—however, the Olympics have chosen to focus on the roleplay. Each round will be played by a team of five, also known as a nation’s “party,” with an assigned Dungeon Master. The neutral Dungeon Masters will alternate between various critically acclaimed actors such as Matthew Mercer, Brendon Lee Mulligan and so on.

Each round, or “one shot,” will be ranked by a panel of judges based on three criteria: the volume of tears shed, the amount of player characters killed off and the amount of non-player characters seduced by the party. The teams who get the highest scores will win overall, earning not a gold medal but a set of solid gold dice.

Now, fans are campaigning for extreme frisbee golf to be added. They’ll just have to wait for the next summer Olympics.

APRIL FOOL’S! This is one of our joke articles for our April Fool’s issue: The Distress Signal. Thanks for reading and happy joking!