You read that right. In the history of fast food, no deal is even comparable to Wendy’s 4 for 4 meal. For the small price of four dollars, you are bestowed with fries, nuggets, a sandwich, burger or wrap and a drink. Not only does this scrumptious meal leave every consumer full, but it brings an incomparable sense of self-satisfaction as well. By purchasing the Wendy’s 4 for 4, you know that you have participated in the wisest economic decision of your life.

And so, dear reader, you are probably wondering what on Earth this has to do with the Louisiana Purchase. Why compare Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers to stolen native land? Well, let’s examine their similarities. 

The Louisiana Purchase was basically when the United States bought a fat chunk of land from France in 1803. The United States gained 828,000 square miles of territory (basically the middle third of the U.S. mainland) in return for $15 million. When you crunch some numbers, that becomes basically $18 per square mile.

A pretty good deal, right? No, you tortellini, that’s wrong. 

The big problem is that France sold land that wasn’t even theirs to give away. Most of the “Louisiana Territory” was in fact inhabited by Native Americans, but no one asked them what they thought about giving the U.S. their land. So, instead of doing the ethical please-and-thank-you transaction that all human beings learn, the United States basically decided to buy the right to obtain native land via treaty or conquest (most of which were illegal, but that’s another story) without involving the Native Americans whatsoever. After the U.S. finally claimed all of this land, the total cost of the Louisiana Purchase ended up being about $2.6 billion. 

So, at a base level, both the Wendy’s 4 for 4 and the Louisiana Purchase appear to be economically smart decisions. A lot of food for a low price and a lot of land for a low price. What makes the Wendy’s 4 for 4 a better deal than the Louisiana Purchase is that it’s consensual. 

In order to control all of the land acquired in the purchase, the United States needed to step on many toes, namely those of the Native Americans. Land that was rightfully theirs was given away by a third party, and they had no chance to say their piece. 

When you purchase the Wendy’s 4 for 4, not only are you receiving a delicious meal that you lawfully requested and paid for, but Wendy’s is the rightful owner of said meal. It is completely within their power to give it away. 

Well thanks, all that fact-spewing and talk about food made me hungry. Time for a lawfully-obtained Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger.

APRIL FOOL’S! This is one of our joke articles for our April Fool’s issue: The Distress Signal. Thanks for reading and happy joking!